


You Learn to Live Without

by Audrey_Lynne



Category: DuckTales (Cartoon 2017)
Genre: Angst, Backstory, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s03e14 Escape from the ImpossiBin!, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Loss, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27733894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Audrey_Lynne/pseuds/Audrey_Lynne
Summary: Bentina Beakley hadn’t been looking for a domestic life, but one found her anyway.When F.O.W.L. seems determined to take all she holds dear, she fights back.  She learns to adapt to her losses.That doesn't make it hurt any less.
Relationships: Bentina Beakley & Dewey Duck & Huey Duck & Louie Duck & Webby Vanderquack, Bentina Beakley & Webby Vanderquack, Bentina Beakley/Other(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 43





	You Learn to Live Without

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I'm writing another Impossibin post-ep, this time in my main DuckTales 'verse. Oh, and there's Beakley backstory. Raise your hand if you're shocked... But, seriously, this song kept making me think of her, and there are bits and pieces of backstory I didn't find a place for in other works, so this is the result. I might as well get it out there before canon makes any more big reveals!
> 
> The lyrics are from "You Learn to Live Without," from the musical "If/Then," and are an ongoing part of my emotional trust issues with Tom Kitt and Brian Yorkey. All credit goes to them, and all credit for lines from "Escape from the Impossibin!" goes to the DuckTales crew.

* * *

_You learn to take your coffee black_ _  
You learn to drink your whiskey neat  
You learn to take the shower cold  
And sleep on tired feet_

Bentina Beakley hadn’t been looking for a domestic life, but one found her anyway. And she’d decided it quite suited her. Unlike many of the girls she’d grown up with, she hadn’t entered the workforce as a means of getting by until she could be a kept woman; she loved her career and had put it first for years. Besides, anyone who thought they could “keep” her didn’t deserve her attention anyway. Bentina knew her own worth and she wouldn’t settle for anyone who didn’t recognize it.

While she hadn’t been actively looking for a romantic partner, she had never been opposed to the idea. There had been a few flirtations over the years, with men and women who’d caught her eye. Some of them had even turned into relationships. But marriage had never been on the table, at least not until the day she’d walked into S.H.U.S.H.’s main lab looking for Director VonDrake and met Phillip Berrocal.

_“Ah, Agent…22, was it?” The smudges on his face and lab coat suggested he’d been hard at work on something. “The director said you’d be by.”_

It had been simple – all business, no charming accident that suggested they’d be seeing more of each other. The device he and Ludwig had designed did what Bentina needed it to do, and her mission was a success. Frankly, she hadn’t thought any more of it until Ludwig had made a snorting noise into his coffee when she mentioned the scientist again.

_“Director?” They’d been working together long enough that she was comfortable being a little playful around him, and she raised an eyebrow. “Is there something I should know about him?”_

_“Oh? Know?” Ludwig waved a hand dismissively. “No, no…well, not unless you count the fact that he was quite smitten with you…he wouldn’t be the first, you know.”_

Bentina had ignored the latter comment in favor of following up on the first. Ludwig VonDrake wasn’t exactly a matchmaker; if he’d mentioned it, he was clearly trying to drop a hint. Especially when he’d done it with all the subtlety of a lead balloon. She hadn’t really thought of the encounter as anything but professional, but that had her intrigued. Surely Ludwig knew her well enough that if he’d thought there was no chance of them hitting it off, he’d have let Phillip down quietly. While a part of her hadn’t wanted to take the bait – if she’d been looking to date, she certainly could have found someone on her own – Bentina’s curiosity won out in the end. Casually, she suggested that perhaps they might work together again in the future – and she knew it was no coincidence when her next mission had her heading down to his lab to pick up new gear.

They ended up spending a lot more time together – professionally and personally – after that. Neither of them had been cut out for traditional gender roles, and Bentina found his strengths balanced her weaknesses. She learned about his difficult relationship with his family of origin and how he sometimes considered taking his wife’s name if he married, to finally cut ties altogether. She laughed as he joked that if he married her, at least he wouldn’t have to change his initials.

_“Is that a proposal?” she teased._

_He laughed as he turned away from the stove, where he’d been teaching her how to cook his version of aguadito de pollo. “If I can give you an IOU for a ring…then yes?”_

_A blush rose to her cheeks; his tone was playful, but she could tell he was serious. Another woman might have been put out by the informality, but Bentina hardly minded. She didn’t need him to make a big production. “In that case, I accept.”_

The wedding was a small, private affair, with only their closest friends in attendance. He _had_ taken her name and they didn’t care who found it odd. The particulars of their relationship weren’t anyone’s business anyway; what they had worked for them. 

Eleven years into their marriage, Eliza came along, and she was the light of their lives from the moment she hatched. With a new baby, they were finally outgrowing their little apartment near S.H.U.S.H. headquarters; they’d moved into a quaint old house on the outskirts of London and made it their own. They’d adjusted their schedules, coordinating non-urgent assignments so that one of them could be home with Eliza whenever possible. It was hectic, exciting, and exhausting…and Bentina wouldn’t have traded it for the world.

She smiled as she heard him grumbling to himself in a combination of Quechua and Spanish as he double-checked his suitcase before his latest trip. Phillip didn’t have to travel nearly as often for work as she did, but there had been an uptick in F.O.W.L. activity in the northeastern United States, and Phillip was the best choice to train agents stationed there on the counter-technology S.H.U.S.H. was rolling out. “Come now, love; it’s only a few days.” Bentina leaned in, kissing his cheek. “Besides, it’ll give you a chance to see that fancy new lab the director’s been so excited about.”

“True, true,” he agreed, smiling as he rose on his toes to kiss her cheek in return. “I’ll get you to make a house husband out of me yet, Tina.” It was a nickname she allowed from him alone.

“Promises, promises,” she teased, cupping his cheek in her hand. “You finish up here. I’ll make supper.”

* * *

_You sit a spell, a queen upon her throne  
You go to bed alone_

When she kissed Phillip goodbye before he’d gotten into the taxi to go to the airport, what would she have said if she’d known it would be the last time? “I love you” was adequate, but it seemed so…underwhelming, as if those three words, as important as they were, were somehow supposed to summarize their entire life together. He’d called home when he landed, but he’d left a message, as Bentina was dropping Eliza off at school. 

Ludwig had pulled her into his office and broken the news to her as gently as he could. Somehow, F.O.W.L. had been one step ahead of them and had planted a bomb; the shining jewel of S.H.U.S.H.’s new lab facilities was now a pile of smoldering rubble. There had only been one survivor, a junior agent who’d been dragged to safety by Phillip. Unfortunately, Phillip had succumbed to his own injuries only a few minutes later.

Shock was Bentina’s initial reaction; she simply stared at Ludwig blankly, as if he’d been speaking gibberish. As her brain finally absorbed the words, a strangled sob escaped her. They’d lost twelve agents in that explosion, but all she could focus on was the one who’d meant the world to her. It had been a blur after that, between Ludwig taking her home and getting Eliza from school. If either of them had been killed in the line of duty, it was supposed to be her. But it hadn’t been, and she was left behind to carry on. So she’d packed her feelings away neatly and rose to the occasion, focusing on her work and her daughter. 

Sure, Bentina heard the whispers sometimes, when people thought she was out of earshot. She knew some thought of her as an ice queen. It didn’t bother her, honestly. They didn’t know about the quiet, lonely nights when she finally closed her bedroom door and let herself cry after Eliza was tucked into bed. They didn’t have to.

Now, one year on, she and Eliza were finding their way in the world, together. Her beautiful, rambunctious six-year-old looked more like Phillip every day, and it was both a balm and a dagger to Bentina’s heart. S.H.U.S.H. protocol hardly endorsed revenge, but Bentina had tracked down the F.O.W.L. operative who planted the bomb – and the agency _did_ endorse neutralizing clear and present threats. She’d done exactly that…not only for Phillip, but the other agents they’d lost that day. For her daughter, whose little heart had been broken when she learned her daddy wasn’t coming home. And, honestly, Bentina had done it for herself. She couldn’t save Phillip, but she could make sure no one else would die by his killer’s hand. It wasn’t heroic, at least not from her perspective; it was only practical. It gave her enough comfort to let her sleep at night.

She was sitting in her bedroom, sipping a glass of wine, when she heard the distinctive sound of pajama-clad feet in the hallway. Eliza was old enough now to take herself to the bathroom or get her own water from the kitchen, so Bentina waited, listening to see what the little girl might be up to. There was an electronic beep, then a message from the library, letting her know the book she’d requested was in. Odd. Bentina set her glass down, then headed for the kitchen.

Eliza had pulled over a chair to climb onto the counter, next to the answering machine, and she frowned at it before hitting the rewind button. The tape screeched noisily until she released it.

_“Anyhow, if you hear from Matilda, deny everything—”_ That was Scrooge McDuck, from a couple of months ago; Bentina had saved it because it amused her. It wasn’t what Eliza was looking for, though, because she hit the rewind button again. Bentina wanted to ask what was going on, but she decided to wait it out and see where this went. As curious as Eliza was, she wasn’t one to sneak out of bed and randomly toy with things.

Then Eliza found the message she was looking for, and Bentina’s heart caught in her throat as she heard Phillip’s voice coming from the tape. _“My favorite girls! I’m here, about to head out for a meeting…I’ll call later. Love you. Oh, and remind me not to let that cheapskate accountant book my room anymore; this hotel room isn’t much bigger than a shoebox…”_

Bentina’s eyes filled with tears; she hadn’t forgotten the sound of his voice yet, as much as a tiny part of her always worried she would, eventually. That distinctive, unique accent of his…fading Peruvian, mixed with the intonations he’d picked up after decades of living in England. She moved to scoop Eliza into her arms as Eliza rewound the message to play it again. “Come here, poppet.”

Eliza snuggled into the embrace immediately. “I miss Daddy,” she murmured, before burying her face in her mother’s shoulder.

“I know.” Bentina stroked Eliza’s hair, holding her tightly. “So do I.”

* * *

_You learn to count the quiet wins  
An hour with no unprompted tears  
And not to count the deadly days  
As they fade into years_

For the third time that night, Bentina slipped into the nursery with all the stealth her years of espionage had afforded her. She knew she’d regret it if she accidentally woke her granddaughter, but she had to check on Webby one more time.

The toddler was sleeping peacefully, a precious bundle of baby down in a pink sleeper. Bentina leaned against the wall bedside the crib, watching Webby’s chest rise and fall and vowing that she could not fail her family again. Whatever she had to do, she’d keep Webby safe.

F.O.W.L. had finally been eliminated, but not in time to save Bentina from another heartbreak. Eliza and her husband were gone, and Bentina knew they’d been murdered to send her a message. The trap they’d been lured into was too suspicious; the villain they were pursuing wasn’t known for lethal attacks. But, with the help of her allies, Bentina had been getting close to putting the final nail in the organization’s coffin, even in hiding after her identity had been compromised. And she’d managed to do it, at least as far as every intelligence report indicated, but at what cost? The warning hadn’t scared her off – if anything, it had fueled her will to put an end to F.O.W.L. – but she’d still been devastated.

If Bentina hadn’t had her granddaughter to care for, she might have gone down a dark path. She’d seen other agents fall victim to it. Some became consumed with vengeance in the wake of all they’d been through; others turned that anguished aggression on themselves. Bentina always walked that line, if she was honest with herself. Some days, her love for her family was the only thing that kept her on the right side of it.

She couldn’t risk getting complacent. The organization had been dismantled, but F.O.W.L.’s top agents were still out there, somewhere. S.H.U.S.H. never been able to determine who was actually running F.O.W.L., beside their best efforts – or who, exactly, the mole inside S.H.U.S.H. had been; they’d disappeared as quickly as they’d surfaced. If they came back, Bentina would be ready. She’d make sure Webby would be ready. Losing Eliza had nearly destroyed her; if she lost Webby, too, that would finish the job.

* * *

_You learn somehow to like the dark_ _  
And even love the doubt_

“Okay, I’ll admit this is the coolest fight I’ve ever had, but maybe we should stop for now?” Webby was quick, but not quick enough. 

“Not until you’re ready for F.O.W.L.!” Bentina was vaguely aware she might seem crazed, but Webby would understand later. She had to. This wasn’t a playful sparring session. This was _real_ , because F.O.W.L. was back, and holding back now might mean losing everything they held dear.

Webby escaped into her attic bedroom with the help of Huey and Dewey, and Bentina could appreciate the obstacle they placed in her way. Good thinking, but not good enough. Barring a door was child’s play – and though they _were_ children, F.O.W.L. wouldn’t respect that. Bentina couldn’t either. She was training Webby for the fight of her life, literally. If it came down to it, they could possibly get the boys to safety. She might have been expecting a bit much of them; they hadn’t been trained the way Webby had their entire lives. And Donald would protect them with his, possibly providing a crucial opportunity for the boys to escape. Bentina would have been a fool to bank on them letting Webby escape. If they wanted to hurt her, they knew exactly how to do it; she wouldn’t let them. She _couldn’t_.

The roof wasn’t the ideal place for their fight to end up, but it would do. It wasn’t as if an encounter with F.O.W.L. would follow any traditional rules of engagement. To their credit, Huey and Dewey attempted a counter-attack; it was ineffective, but a better instinct than running. If she’d been in a better frame of mind, Bentina might have even found it adorable. She tossed them aside, knowing Donald was right behind her to catch them, and advanced on Webby. She _hated_ the fear she saw in her granddaughter’s eyes and hated knowing she was the cause of it even more. But if she gave in now, and Webby wasn’t ready when the real attack came…

“Mrs. B., this has gone too far!” Donald protested.

Bentina spared him a warning glare. He didn’t understand. He hadn’t dealt with F.O.W.L. “We have to keep them safe!”

“But not like this.” Donald moved toward her, his hands balling into fists.

Bentina assessed the situation quickly, as she’d always done. As he stepped forward, it wasn’t clear whether Donald was going to attempt to stop her physically. He would have been a formidable opponent, especially if he thought she was endangering the children rather than preparing them for something far worse than either of them, but she could handle him if it came to that. “She’s my granddaughter! I’ll determine what’s best for her!” He could take over his nephews’ training if he liked; she couldn’t afford to hold back now with Webby. She’d delayed Eliza’s training, wanting her to have as normal a childhood as possible. Maybe if she hadn’t, her daughter would be there to make those choices for Webby herself. She blinked back tears and flicked away the ones she’d missed. There was no time for emotion; it got in the way of action. “We must be ready to _fight_!” She advanced on Webby again, forcing herself to look past the scared little girl in front of her. _She’ll forgive you for this when she survives._

Hesitation could mean death in the field, however, and the split second Bentina took to consider whether Webby was ready for her to hold nothing back cost her. Webby got the better of her, knocking her off-balance and over the edge of the roof. Bentina caught herself, but just barely. As she tried to find a better grip, she glanced down, automatically calculating her odds of survival if she fell. From one of the mansion’s lower outcroppings, she might have been tempted to take the fall and deal with a few painful bruises if she landed right. From this height…that wasn’t an option. She might live, but she’d be seriously injured – and Webby would no doubt blame herself.

A small hand grabbed hers, quickly followed by more. With Donald’s help, the children managed to pull her to safety…and maybe it was the reality check Bentina needed. Maybe Donald was right; she had gone too far. But with all that was at stake…

Webby was at her side, as if assessing Bentina’s insecurities. “We won’t get stronger by attacking the people we love.” When had she gotten so wise?

“But, F.O.W.L.—” Though chastened, she had to make them see the danger they were in.

“We’re not F.O.W.L.; we’re family,” Dewey insisted. Speaking of getting wiser…

“The one thing we know for sure is that we trust each other, right?” Huey’s biggest weakness had always been his fear of the factors he couldn’t anticipate. If he was willing to step out onto a limb…

“Webby, I…” Bentina struggled to find the right words. A part of her wanted to confess everything, explain why she’d been pushing her to the point of irrationality. _I trusted Bradford and he was working against us the entire time._ Maybe that seemed obvious in its own way, but they didn’t know – _Webby_ didn’t know – what that really meant to Bentina. Bradford Buzzard had access to _everything_ at S.H.U.S.H. _I gave him free reign, and he might be the reason your parents are gone._ “I…” _If I lost you too, it’d kill me. And F.O.W.L. knows that._

Webby didn’t need an explanation – or maybe she did, but realized her grandmother needed her more. She launched herself toward Bentina, hugging her fiercely, and the others soon piled on. This was supposed to be about preparing them, not soothing her frayed nerves, but Bentina felt herself melt. They’d find another way. She’d been viewing their love for each other as a weakness, something F.O.W.L. would try to exploit, but it was also one of their greatest strengths. Maybe it was time to rely on that.

The hug would have lasted longer if her phone hadn’t started beeping with a security alert; under the circumstances, they’d have been fools to ignore it. Bentina read it quickly, sighing. The tender moment was over; it was time to get to work. “We need to get to the Bin. Now.”

* * *

_You learn to live and die  
And then to live  
You learn to live without_

United, they would stand; divided, they would fall. Bentina had certainly accepted that lesson, even if it took a life-threatening experience to get her to see it. F.O.W.L. had made their play for the Missing Mysteries and now it was time to regroup and plan the next move. Bentina’s faith in their strength as a team had been renewed, but her heart was still raw. She sat in the kitchen, clutching a cup of tea that had long since gone cold. She could have used something stronger, but she wanted to be ready if F.O.W.L. made another move that night.

Webby stepped into the kitchen, watching Bentina warily. “Granny…?”

It wasn’t like Webby to hesitate like that around her, or look at her like she might break, and Bentina had no one but herself to blame. She shoved the cup aside and moved her chair away from the table to open her arms. Webby needed no further invitation, fortunately, and flung herself into Bentina’s arms. 

“I’m so sorry, darling,” Bentina murmured against Webby’s hair. 

Webby shifted in the embrace to look up at her but didn’t pull away. “It’s okay, Granny. I know you’re scared.”

Being called out by a child never got any easier. Bentina nodded. “If anything happens to you, I’ll be fresh out of family.” She was trying to lighten the mood, but she couldn’t help but acknowledge the darker truth; F.O.W.L. was directly responsible for Webby losing her parents and never having the chance to know her grandfather.

“You won’t lose me,” Webby promised. “And you have Uncle Scrooge and the boys and Donald and Della, too.”

As much as Bentina wanted to protest that was a promise Webby couldn’t make, she had to accept the point that was being made. Her family had grown, and though that meant she feared for their safety as well, there were more of them to watch each other’s backs. “You’re right.” She stroked Webby’s hair, still holding her close. “I love you. Whatever happens, never forget that.”

“I love you, too.” Webby snuggled against her. “Do you want to talk about…” she gestured vaguely, “all this?”

Bentina shook her head. She did need to talk, but not with Webby. That would be putting too much on her…and there were things Webby still didn’t know, that she couldn’t know. “Not yet…but thank you.”

“Of course.” Webby grinned brightly. “But if you change your mind, you know where to find me. No secrets, right?”

“No secrets,” Bentina echoed, and even the words felt like a betrayal. The Harp of Mervana was in F.O.W.L.’s hands, nowhere nearby, and still she could hear the accusing sing-song words in her mind. _Fibbing, fibbing, fibbing…_ They would get through this together and be stronger for it, but…some things were better left in the past. She shifted Webby to her shoulder, standing and moving to the counter. “Now…how about we make some hot chocolate?”

* * *


End file.
